Tuesday, February 3, 2009

food: an open letter to McVitie's biscuits

Hello, I am blissfully eating dark chocolate HobNobs and Rich Tea biscuits kindly sent me from the UK.

You may not realize that your biscuits are almost unobtainable in the biggest consumer market in the world. In Northern California one has to go to Ye Olde British Shoppe and pay 5 dollars to a crotchety expat selling expired dusty stock from their garage. WHY does McVitie's not sell its product far and wide in America? While you were sleeping, LU Biscuits has snuck in and is now selling Petit Beurre and Le Petit Ecolier biscuits in volume in every supermarket, despite these buttery euro concoctions being a pale effete echo of the real thing. Meanwhile when I bestow Digestives and HobNobs on my friends many say "I remember loving these when I was in Britain, but when I returned to America I couldn't find them."

It is AWFUL that the greatest biscuit manufacturer in the world has ceded the American market to the bloody French! Have you no shame?!

I demand that McVities launch a massive assault on the USA market, otherwise I shall present LU Biscuits' shocking promotional claim "America's number one premium imported cookies" to Queen Elizabeth II and suggest that Her Majesty strip McVitie & Price Ltd of their royal warrant on account of Not Jolly Well Trying Hard Enough.

Awaiting your most considered reply, I remain
Yours faithfully,

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